Saturday, March 5, 2016

The Hardest Part

When I was preparing to leave for Minnesota, I had several people tell me to prepare for struggles. I was thankful for their warnings and advice, but see, here's the thing, they warned me against the wrong kind of struggles. They told me "it will be hard when you're sad because your friends won't be there to support you." They said, "your battle with depression will become more intense because you won't be around people you're comfortable with." They said, "when life doesn't go as planned, you won't be able to call the people you depend on to bail you out." 

I knew I would face struggles, and yes, I have, but not those ones. My friends have been there when I'm sad. Maybe not in person, but a cell phone is a wonderful thing and I know my support team is only a text or a call away. If one doesn't pick up, I can always call the next one. To be honest, my depression has almost vanished. It's amazing what seeking the Lord can do in your life. When once I felt lost and hopeless, now I feel fulfilled and more joyful then I have in years. I've had rough days, but nowhere near what I used to go through. As far as life not going as planned, I've made new friends. They will never take the places of those back home, but I'm sure they are just as capable of picking up an exhausted, emotional girl from the side of the road. When I find out for sure, I'll let you know, but I'm really not worried about it.

What nobody actually said before I left was "you'll want to cry when you can't be there for them." 

When I get a text telling me things have gone wrong, loved ones are in pain, doctors are involved, jobs may be lost. I want to cry. I want to cry because while I may not actually be able to do anything if I were there, I would at least be there, not 1,800 miles away just working on homework.

People told me it would be great, to have a fresh start. They acted like I would be set free, no longer having to worry about my near and dears. They were blind. When you love someone, you want to be close to them. You want to stand by their side and make sure they're getting the best care possible. You want to be able to hold them when they cry out in pain because if they have to be in pain, at least you've got them. They were blind to what love is. 

At this point, all I can say is, the Lord is teaching me the power of prayer. I may not be able to stand present in times of need, but God is always present and He hears my cries of protection over those I love and miss. 

With Love,

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