Is This Faith or Am I Living in Denial?

I've decided if I were ever to write a memoir, it would probably share a title with this post.

Do you know those spiritual gift tests that you can take? You number on a scale of 1 to 5 how true or untrue the statement is for you, and then you tally everything up in the end and whichever one has the highest score is your spiritual gift. We've done those a lot in the office at work to discover our strengths. We do it mainly because my supervisor is amazing and realizes that while weaknesses do need to be worked on, you have the strengths you do for a reason and those can't be ignored. So, we score ourselves from 1 to 5, tally the numbers, and in the end I always find myself staring this spiritual gift of faith in the face.

At first I kind of laughed and shook my head. Sure, I have faith in my friends, I have faith that the pizza man will deliver a round pie of perfection after I make the right call, and I have faith in God. That's not what we're talking about though, a spiritual gift of faith. That's intense faith, serious business. No way. Not me.

God and I have a great relationship. He tells me something, I tell Him to tell me more about that, and then He does. Very slowly and subtly, sometimes I don't even realizing it's happening. In this case, He spoke to me through my past. He walked me through a timeline of my life and as I looked at that fun and adventurous road He simply asked, "at what point did you doubt Me?" 

I have doubted many things in my life, but God has never been one of them. I have built walls between us, and I even turned my back and tried to ignore Him for awhile, but I always knew He was there. I always knew that in the end, His hand was in my life and He was sovereign. I have never doubted that my God is real. I always had faith in God, but there was a time in my life I denied Him my heart. 

If you've ever spent any amount of time around my best friend and I, you may have heard us at some point use the phrase, "I'm fiiiiiine." We say it in a certain tone, drawing out the I, as if trying to convince ourselves that we will, indeed, be fine. We usually say it in situations when we will clearly not be fine. The main reason we picked this little habit up is due to the fact that we both like to push sticky situations to the side. As long as I don't have to deal with it, things will be fine. Right? Ignore irritating emotions and eventually I'll be fine. Right? We recognize that there really isn't much that can be done in some instances, so we decide to ignore the problem. It'll be fiiiiiine. So far, we've always been.... relatively fine. We're both still breathing, so we've got that going for us.

So, as I look down at this paper in front of me. This cute little Christian cliche of a spiritual gifts test, I realize that I will be fine. While I was saying those words in denial of a problem I didn't want to face, God pulled through in the end. While I deny the problem, I know that God is present. I have always known this.

Is This Faith, or Am I Living in Denial; a memoir. Look for it at your local bookstore... just give me a couple decades to live the kind of life I want to write about.

With Love,
Trishelle

In the mean time...

So, roughly five months before this kid packs her bags, takes one last glorious Oregonian hike (at least for awhile), waves goodbye to friends and family, and takes off for the land of 10,000 lakes. I rounded it up to five months to save my sanity, because, yes, I am completely freaking out.

Five months left in Central Oregon. What do I do? 

Well, obviously the main answer to that question would be, save money. In order to save money, I have to make it. Thus, I work two jobs. I work in sales, and I'm a nanny. 

Sales is a lot of fun. You hate people most days, and just when you think you're nearing the point of throat punching the next person to literally ignore the overly friendly words coming out of your mouth, someone always walks in to make you believe in humanity again. Sometimes it comes in the form of a grandma shopping for the granddaughter she's raising after having six kids of her own, telling you her story and giving you book suggestions because you make her think of "my Ellie." Sometimes it comes in the form of a five year old kid telling you you're awesome. Either way, humanity always seems to pull through in the end. Plus, my coworkers are awesome. 

So, I'm a nanny. I watch two kids, three days a week. Obviously, I'm not going to tell you their names (cause let's get real, this is the internet and you're probably just a weirdo anyway), but I will call them Why and Hi. 

                         

Why, is three. I have chosen this nickname for her because, well, she's three and apparently "why" is your favorite word at this age. She seems to say it enough anyway. Some days it tests my patience and I say things like, "why do you think" in response (I mean, even when you're three you know why your baby brother gets mad after you sit on him, come on). Other days, I love it. I could explain the whys of life for hours to that kid. She's a sweetheart who has an endless supply of curiosity, and a brain smart enough to understand the answers. 

Hi, is one. I chose his nickname because, well, he's one and hi is the only word he knows how to say. He is able to say that one word pretty adorably though, so we'll forgive him. He's the chilliest baby I have ever cared for. He goes down for naps with a smile on his face, and he wakes up from them with a smile on his face. Seriously, how does he do that? He can turn anything into a toy and be completely content as long as he knows where you are at all times, and has something entertaining to watch, such as big sister running around trying to keep up with all the boys at the park.

When I'm not working I've been trying to enjoy one last Central Oregon summer. I've found myself not only cherishing the moments I have with all the dear people in my life, but also moments when I'm alone. Even the air here (when not filled with smoke from forest fires) has a way of making your entire life feel like an adventure novel, and you're just the young main character, waiting for your story to explode into 20 something chapters that make you want to hold on tight to whatever happens to be within reach. I sit by the river, or on my best friends back porch, or I walk one of my favorite trails, and I breath. 

I breath because I'm alive, and while I may not be where I was expecting to be at this point in my life, I will still live each moment to the fullest.

With Love,
Trishelle